the moment is vast

Because I'm generally a happy person, I keep the broken confused side of me to myself, and I feel bad now, because last week I called Kat when I was feeling low. I shouldn't have any right to call Kat, because I let our friendship go, and I knew I did it, and I did it anyway. But she picked up, and didn't act cold, and listened while I made words into sentences but not into anything that made sense. I wonder if it's strange for my friends to see me raw, when in real life, I'm always so well put together.

Everyone's a bit worried about me, so on Thursday lunch I put in a big effort and made a load of stupid jokes and everyone laughed and I could practically feel them thinking Sarah's back except that kinda pissed me off, because do they only want me when I'm happy and laughing? I've been thinking a lot recently.

I went to a party tonight, and it wasn't what I expected. Half way through I was really really annoyed and sad and low, and I wanted to go outside until I was frozen, but then it changed again, and there were other people, and I ended up having a really good time. Surprisingly, I didn't hang out with anyone my own age...I didn't feel like it. I spent my time with two women a little older than me, in their mid twenties, and with these kids who are all a good few years younger than me. I don't know why I wanted that kind of compay tonight...


Anyway. My mind is a bit weird. But that's okay, I think. Everything's pretty much okay, isn't it?

bleurg

I feel..not so great. I think I feel bad. I don't...feel bad a lot. I generally feel good. Great, even. Sometimes I feel really happy, or hyper, or contented or quietly smug about something that even I'm not sure about. Sometimes I feel frustrated, or angry. But I hardly ever feel bad. I've got this...pit, in my stomach, and every time I try and forget about it, it rolls a little, and I know it's there, and I can feel the badness spreading across my body, like in waves. Luckily, it ebbs and flows. But it doesn't ebb very often.
I fel a bit stupid to care so much. It's not like...it's not like I didn't see it coming. It's not like I'm that cut up about it anyway. But I guess feeling bad throws me a little, I don't expect it, I don't know how to deal with it. Most people...drown themselves in destructive behaviour. I don't really do that sort of thing. It hought about it, but I don't think it's as easy to find oblivion as it seems, and surely you have to face it the next day, it takes longer to move past? There are ways, of course for me to distract myself. I call it destruction of the soul. I generally have a tight reign on my mind, I'm a good girl, I pray, I smile, I try not to wish bad things on other people and I repent when I do. But sometimes, I just don't care. And I guess this is one of those times. I feel bad that I'm unravelling like this, letting all the control go, like when you pull your knitting undone, all that hard work, gone in seconds. But then you can start again, recast your wool, begin again. I'll do that tomorrow. Right now, I just want to see how long I can make this night last for.