The Gardener Diaries. Part Two

I could hardly sleep last night, thinking about the lack of composting being done in my composter. I mean it's like having a dish washer and putting your dirty dishes there but not turning it on. Or having a laptop and not using it. The lack of productivity is just heinous.

Olive woke me up this morning at nine o'clock, making a sound like a food processor for reasons unknown. But enough of this, to the point.

At approximately three forty, I put on my coat, welllies, outdoor headscarf and headed for the door.
Now my plan was to empty the composter of the little detritus it contained, dig up the earth and replant it, before refilling it with it's contents, cursing the gardener the whole time. The first problem I encountered was lack of shovel.

The Lack of Shovel Problem
Basically, lack of shovel put a bit of a hole in my plans. I could hardly dig up the earth with my little spade, nor could I effectively plant the composter.
First stop was the shed.
Or should it be: The Shed.

Otherwise known as the End Of The World For Junk We don't Want to Get Rid of. You know what I'm talking about. When you have items that you don't use and don't want to clutter up your room, they first go to the landing, then maybe to the kitchen. Sometimes they'll get shoved in a cupboard, sometimes under someone's bed. Eventually they get sent to either the loft or the shed. In my house, it's the shed.

I unlocked the door and peered in, trying to ignore thoughts of creepy spiders creeping around and maybe jumping on my head and creeping around there, and instead very quickly did a search for a shovel. None was apparent. I braved the shed for a few more seconds, before turning tail.

I know, I showed cowardice in the face of danger. If this was Lord of the Rings, I would have been all "SURE SAURON! Have the shiny ring! Just don't make me go with the creepy spiders, mkay?!"I'm fairly disgusted with myself, I can tell you.

But I still didn't have a shovel, so I had to go to get one from the neighbours, unfortunately I was obstructed by momom.

Me: I'm going next door.
momom: why?
me: to get a shovel
momom: oh no, you're not doing anything like that.

Momom was concerned for my wellbeing, thought that shovelling compost was a dangerous activity, etc. She tried to convince me to let the gardener handle it. She was SO on his side. Obviously he'd got to her first. Luckily I explained carefully (with necessary drama) the situation and she became a late convert to the Sarah V Gardener cause, becoming quite vocal and enthusiastic by the end, and let me go get the shovel.

At the neighbours house
me: Please can I borrow your shovel?
neighbour: what for? the compost?
me: I'm going to kill someone! (elderly couple walk past and stare at us, I smile manically)
neighbour: Well the shovel might dent a bit, I suggest a knife.

I did get the shovel, however.

End: Lack of Shovel Problem

So I picked up the unsteady composter and pretty much threw it away, letting the grass cuttings inside flop over. Then I set to work digging a hole to put the composter in, for added contact with the worms.

The first problem was ..well I don't know how to use a shovel. I tried stepping on it and letting it sink into the soil like they do on tv, but I wasn't heavy enough and nothing happened. Eventually I settled for bracing myself against the shed (the outside isn't scary) and pushing against the top of the shovel, and in this way managed to get it in a bit. Eventually I made something of a hole. I began to sympathise with the Gardender a little bit. I mean, I was motivated by .. justice.. really, and even I didn't dig for as long as I could have. I mean the ground was SOLID. And my back really started to hurt, and the shovel was heavy! The Gardener isn't motivated by justice, he's motivated by money to spend half the year in Australia, as is his custom, and since he wasn't being paid more for the composter, it's understandable.

Eventually the composter was buried, the compost refilled, and the shovel returned.

Phew. At least it's clear that I won.

Like to see him mess with me again.

The Gardener Diaries.

I do not know what my problem is! I am SUCH a mess for so many reasons. I mean I'm in good spirits because you know, it's all so stupid it's funny, but any minute now I'm going to have a breakdown. At least it'll be the hysterical laughing kind. I mean I'm kinda looking forward to it, you know? I bet my mum isn't.

The damn gardener and I are having a war. He doesn't know that I'm having a war with him at this point. I don't want to tell him because he'd either
a. Get annoyed and stop mowing our lawn,
b. get upset and stop mowing our lawn or
c. not hear me over the sound of the lawn mower.

It's like this, the gardener and I have never been on good terms, because he always appears in the garden when I'm not wearing my headscarf, because I don't wear it in the house, obviously. So he pops up all the time and I'm like "ARG! *falls out of chair."
But now it's personal.
See, I have a composter. And by that, I mean I have a hollow plastic cylinder with a lid and no bottom. You're supposed to 'plant' it in the ground, so the worms can get in , and it'll be steady an shit. HOWEVER the gardener, last year, when I got it, set it up before I could, and by set it up, i mean he just PUT it on some rocks (like you're supposed to do that!?!?!?) and was like "yes, it's done. "

I am so sure.

So then this year, he not only emptied it without first telling me but he AGAIN set it up, and put a load of grass in it. The problems are many fold.

1. You are supposed to PLANT IT. As I said! If you don't plant it, it wobbles. You know what I have now, a wobbling composter.
1b. In addition, the lack of planting, and the uneven ground means that there are some gaps between the bottom of the composter and the ground. So when I put in scraps, I get eggshells rolling out of the bottom.
1c. In addition to both of these points, the composter lacks stability if you don't 'plant' it. Therefore it's difficult to mix the contents of it without having the composter tipping over and spilling vegetable peelings all over the garden. Since mixing the compost is pretty much the second step in the important two step plan of composting, expecting compost without mixing is like expecting a snow day if you live on Mercury. It's not gonna happen.

2. You are supposed to 'work the earth' beneath the composter, so that the worms can get up from the soil into the compost and turn cucumber peel into soil. HOW ARE THE WORMS TO DO THIS IF THE GROUND IS ROCK HARD? Does he expect the worms to wear hard hats? The worms will not do this, I guarantee it.

On top of this, I mean hello, it's my composter. I get that he's a gardener (although I doubt he has a phD in horticulture) but it doesn't mean he should just DO things. I had a leaflet and everything! It totally told me what needed doing! He didn't even read the leaflet! (He didn't even ask if I had one.)

And I accepted this all last year, but he's done it AGAIN. And he's started filling it with grass so I can't even take it away, work the earth below and plant it properly. so he thinks! I will not be stopped by something so insignificant. Instead, I'm going to EMPTY the composter and start from scractch. He came today, so he wont be back for a few days.

Teach him to mess with my compost.