Writing

Don't you hate it when you want to write something, but you don't know what? You feel like creating something, putting words into an experience, you want to make something beautiful, and you can't. There's no plot, no idea, only an urge, a desire to make something exist.

That happens to me alot. I'll be sitting in English, doodling on a spare piece of paper, and I want to write something. Sometimes there will be a small idea attached, sometimes there isn't one. Sometiems I just write anything that comes into my head, like a desciption of the room, of my self. Sometimes I write feelings, sometimes I write to myself. I don't like to waste it, the eagerness to write, I feel that if I don't somehow trap it and use it to my advantage it'll fly away, like so many times before. But I also don't want to write for nothing. Is there any point in writing a paragraph that no one will read? That has no storyline, is simply words on a page? It exists for itself and me, and is beautiful on it's own. But it doesn't finish, it's incomplete, and there is no desire within me to complete it anyway. Later on, I'll look back on it and wish I could gather the inspiration and motivation to continue it, but motivation is like happiness. When you want it you can't get it and it often crops up when you can't make any use of it.

I wonder if it is a waste, and what I ought to do with it. What would someone else in my place do when they are suddenly hit by an urge to write? Some people would write it anyway, some people would put it into whatever project that they put on hiatus months ago. I normally just ignore it. Is this is waste? The problem with writing is it's addictive.

Say that I am in school and suddenly feel like writing something, and so I do. What do I get from that lesson? I don't learn anything. But I do write something. That would be great if the writing went anywhere, if I gained from it, but I don't. When I get the writing bug it sometimes lasts for a day, sometimes for a month, but it leaves eventually. True, you can write for a while after wards, just simply going on in the hope that you can continue until it's finished, but that rarely happens. After that, it's only a matter of time before my writing dries up and turns into something I'll shove at the back of my wardrobe and leave there, hoping that I shall one day return to it. To my dismay, when I do revisit it, I find myself disgusted with the quality of my writing. Where is the description? The setting? Why is the plot line so unoriginal, where is the twists and turns that keep me hooked. It's as though someone else has written it and I hate it with a passion.

It's not always possible to write. I need precise situations which only goes to prove that I am not really a writer. Writers, I'm sure, can write whenever they want. I can't write when I have people around me. I find it difficult, to write when my brother is sitting behind me. Writing is pouring out your feelings and emotions and thoughts and quirks on to a page, it's as revealing as taking off you clothes, and I can't do it. I have no problem with showing people the finished work, but my ameteur projects? It's far too embarrasing. I can't write if I can't concentrate, I can't write when I'm listening to music. Sometimes I can only type my story straight up, sometimes I only want to scribble it down on paper. Sometimes I constanly get distracted and there's always some way for me to not write. Maybe it's making excuses, because I hate to fail again. When you are writing you get your hopes up, you start dreaming about getting published. It's not true, it never happens. Writing is one thing, finishing a project a whole new concept and getting published is not as easy as it's made out.

There are thousands of other things that you can say or do instead of writing and failling. The failing is what hurts the most. Everytime I see a story crash and burn I resolve to not start another one until I'm sure I can finish it. Each time I don't manage.

Right now, I have three projects on hiatus. Although I haven't officially stopped any of them, and I do plan to finish them, I doubt that I will end up finishing them. I've seen my friends around me somehow manage to stick with one firm story line for years, while I flit through several, developing on one here, rewriting an opening here, and inevitably not accomplishing anything.

Sometimes, it seems that the easiest thing to do is what everyone else does.