When there's nothing left to burn you must set yourself on fire

So when everyone leaves you, at least you'll still have yourself to confide it. The point is you have to make yourself someone that you want to confide in. When there's no one else to talk to you can always talk to yourself, if you want to. It takes a collosal amount of energy to talk yourself into any kind of sensible conversation. You can have a stupid conversation, but to create another person in your mind, to see them, and have them think something else to what you think, it's a very difficult thing to hold in your mind. Creating an imaginary friend is an even harder feat, you have to create someone from scratch. At least when you speak to yourself, you have yourself to start with, and you can just change certain aspects. And yet as children we all had imaginary friends, or claimed to. Whether or not we really did, we probably wont ever know. But why waws it so easy then? Surely we were children we had limited brain capacity. Did we cheat? Did we really just pretend to have an imaginary friend? The pit is bottomless as you can never, with complete certainty, relate something that occured as a child.

So the question I'm asking myself right now, is that have I lost something that I had when I was a child? I know I've lost my innocence, well that just happens, but did I loose my imagination? I mean, I have a pretty vivid imagination for someone my age, I can make up wonderful stories to get me out of trouble, and I can make up wonderful things to take my mind of other things. But then if this is true, when why do I find it so difficult to sustain another person in my mind? Maybe it's because I need the space in my mind to grow my own personality, there's just not room for two separate personalities in there. That's true enough, but surely I should be able to summon the strenght to keep a secondary character for a few minutes. Maybe I just lack the will power. That's worrying. It means that I don't see the point. Now I think of it I don't. I feel as though I've lost something that I ought to have had, I'm on the edge of a cliff.

I was able to thin of amazing things when I was younger, but I would hope that my imagination has refined itself so that I don't come up with ridiculous ideas that wouldn't work. So in refining, did I skim off some of the importants skills? Should I still be writing about mice turning into humans and dogs looking for balloons? I don't think so, but if it means that in that state of mind, I was able to concentrate on a wider spectrum and keep more ideas in my head at the same time, maybe I should have stayed like that.

It doesn't really matter though, because it's not as though I could go back, and if I did I don't think that anyone who reads my stories would appreciate it. I suppose that as my style of imagination to fiction changes, my thoughts change with it, and my ideas become more disciplinednm. It's entirely likely that this is good for writing and that all good writers have lost some of naive childish prose, but in the end they gained.

The fact that I can't conjour anyone in my mind except for me could reflect on anything. Maybe it's just that I've had a change in lifestyle, or a trail of thoughts has finally finished and I have' come to a new conclusion.

The most depressing thing is when you spend days, hours of you life moulding yourself a creation, maybe based on fiction, maybe based on fantasy, only to find you can sustain it for mere hours. Is it work it? And then the lonliness that comes after you've lost a friend that always knew how you felt.

Being a teenager isn't fun. You go through all these changes and it's not original in the least. You're exactly like everyone else, and yet you always want to stay apart. It's like we're all in a fog, and we're near a cliff, but we don't want to call out to each other, because we don't know if it would be so bad if we fell off.

They say that adolescances is an age of madness. I don't disagree. The worst part is you know you're mad, and you like it.

At least when you're all alone, you can talk to yourself.