I know, it's terrible, the unsubduable Sarah is feeling rather depressed. Well not depressed, just sad, butI've had a good long cry and feel better now. Don't worry! It wasn't a whole "oh I'm going to fail my GCSEs" or a "My boyfriend broke up with me" or " I can't be with the guy I love" Boo hoo, it was a little more sensible than that. I'm going to write about it to purge myself of the expirience, don't feel as though you have to comment afterwards, I just want to get it out and I know most of us have trouble dealing with any kind of grief in all situations.
So I was looking for my tape (it was called "Franklin: the french turtle!") but I couldn't find it, instead, right at the back of my cupboard I found a blank tape. I put it in the player, expecting to see a series one episode of lost or something, but instead I realised it was a home video made before I was born.
What it was, was my mum, my dad and my older brother, about six years before I was born, just sitting in our old house with their friends. It must have been a sweet thing for them to be doing back then, but with hindsight it was horribly to watch. Firstly, there was no sign of me in it, I don't mean that in a self involved "everything must be about me" kind of way, but it's just strange to see what your family was like before you came along. Secondly and alot worse, was how happy they were and I was just sitting there looking at them and comparing them to their modern counterparts and thinking how much better it would be for them if they could have stayed like that, like the people in the video. And then I was thinking that it was only after I was born that things really started to get shitty and that they would probably prefer if I had never been born and if they could stay the happy family in the video. Then I started thinking, not just remembering but really trying to believe all the stupid things I tried to believe as a child, like maybe my dad was a secret agent or a police officer or something that meant he had to pretend to die, and maybe his whole death was faked and one day he'd just walk into the kitchen and everything would be like he'd never left.
My mum and my dad had obviously only just been married in the picture, they had one child, my brother. He looked so happy, and I felt so bad for him, just thinking that in a few years he was going to loose his father, but he didn't realise then, and how many regrets he would have afterwards and how he would have to grow up without a father figure and how it would affect him and them I remembered that that was my brother and that's how he did grow up. Then I was looking at my mum and she was just married, and all housewivey and innocent and smiley and in love and it was horrid. She kept saying things like "We'll look at that in twenty years and smile" and I was just sitting thinking "No, in just 6 years everything will have changed and you'd probably give anything to go back now. I was crying so much and I was really worried that my mum would come in and see me because we've never really spoken about my dad's death and I didn't want her to see me cry because then she might start crying and I don't know what I'd do if that happend.
And it occured to me that it wasn't just the father from the video family that had died, it was the entire family and maybe I was the only alive one because the other two would never recover. And then the only thought that kept going through my head was how good their lives would have been without me, because without me they would have stayed the family in the video and I know that's stupid, and it's not true and my mum is probably happy to have me, but it seems more like a consolation prize, loose a husband and gain a daughter. oh dear I'm getting teary again and I'm going to be a big puffball tomorrow if this keeps up.
Urg I'm so sorry to bum you guys out, I know how horrid it is when other people write depressing things and you never know what to say even if you've expirienced something really simillar so I'll get it if no one comments but yeah.
French oral tomorrow so I'd better sleep.
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4 comments:
*hugs Sarah* It's okay, we're here for you. And it's a nice change for me to be happy, opposed to being fuming.
Not the point, it's okay, it isn't your fault, (I was trying to fight off the yearn to email you about your mispelling of "lose" but eh) the best you can do is be there for your mum and your brother.
Maybe you have to talk to your Mum about it, 10 years is too much to keep this bottled up beauty. Please at least talk to your brother, he's going through the same thing.
We all love you, Adam
Lose. Lose. Lose. L.O.S.E.
You're a dear. I send my love.
*Huggleshardtothepointofsqeezingtodeath*
ah Sariekins, my sweetie little sister. Don't feel that way *huggles* (I understand telling you that is about as effective as saying "don't like ice cream"). Your mama obviously loves you and cherishes you very, very much. She seems to want nothing more than to have you live with her all through your university years, and if she ever had any regrets, she wouldn't be trying all her mummy tricks to make you stay home with her forevermore.
Also, of course they were happy in the video! Who the hell, in their right mind, would ever hold onto a home movie where everyone is screaming at each other and slamming doors?! I'll bet that happened a lot, but in times like those, no one ever thinks "hi-o! I MUST grab the camera! Uber-family moment!" :p
I think it would be okay to talk to your mom about these feelings. She seems to really like the closeness you two have, and it is deffinately something that you both seem to have bottled up and want to talk about but are affraid of what the other one might say. She still thinks of you as her baby girl, but you're adult now. I think as adults, you can both handle talking about such a touchy subject. And if you cry, so what? She's your mamma! It's okay to cry with your mamma. You cried together at 2AM when you were a fussy baby and wouldn't go to sleep and all she could do was hold you and cry too because you're her baby and she wants to make you feel better. That's mommy love. I know I'll cry when my kids cry. That's okay though, it's just the way things go.
I also am willing to bet all the money in my savings that you are not remotely a regretable child or ANYTHING along those lines. If anything, you're only more precious than ever because you are a product of love. You are literally a part of her and there is no way, NO WAY IN HELL that she could ever feel anything but pure, mind-blowing love for you.
I know it's insanely hard to find a moment to talk about something like that. You never just go "what do we need at the grocery store?" "eggs, bread, heartfelt talk with you mum so wake up and pay attention..." A good place to start might be those times where you're alone in the kitchen together, or the sitting room, and just go "so... the other day I was going through cupboards and I found an old home movie..." She might even want to see it, and if so, that will open up a wide world of conversations and stories. I know that happens with me and Jonathan when he shows me photo albums from back when. Even his mom sits down and tells me stories about Jon's dad and she gets sad, but at the same time you can tell it makes her really happy to be able to talk about it, because it's never something that just pops up in day to day conversation. Things like that need a good prompt. Maybe that movie was a gift from above.
Email me darling, any time you need to talk about things like this. You never have to wait for snail-mail when it comes to that kind of stuff. I'm ALWAYS here for you, and don't you forget it!
*uber-huggles*
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