bleurg

I feel..not so great. I think I feel bad. I don't...feel bad a lot. I generally feel good. Great, even. Sometimes I feel really happy, or hyper, or contented or quietly smug about something that even I'm not sure about. Sometimes I feel frustrated, or angry. But I hardly ever feel bad. I've got this...pit, in my stomach, and every time I try and forget about it, it rolls a little, and I know it's there, and I can feel the badness spreading across my body, like in waves. Luckily, it ebbs and flows. But it doesn't ebb very often.
I fel a bit stupid to care so much. It's not like...it's not like I didn't see it coming. It's not like I'm that cut up about it anyway. But I guess feeling bad throws me a little, I don't expect it, I don't know how to deal with it. Most people...drown themselves in destructive behaviour. I don't really do that sort of thing. It hought about it, but I don't think it's as easy to find oblivion as it seems, and surely you have to face it the next day, it takes longer to move past? There are ways, of course for me to distract myself. I call it destruction of the soul. I generally have a tight reign on my mind, I'm a good girl, I pray, I smile, I try not to wish bad things on other people and I repent when I do. But sometimes, I just don't care. And I guess this is one of those times. I feel bad that I'm unravelling like this, letting all the control go, like when you pull your knitting undone, all that hard work, gone in seconds. But then you can start again, recast your wool, begin again. I'll do that tomorrow. Right now, I just want to see how long I can make this night last for.