Because I'm generally a happy person, I keep the broken confused side of me to myself, and I feel bad now, because last week I called Kat when I was feeling low. I shouldn't have any right to call Kat, because I let our friendship go, and I knew I did it, and I did it anyway. But she picked up, and didn't act cold, and listened while I made words into sentences but not into anything that made sense. I wonder if it's strange for my friends to see me raw, when in real life, I'm always so well put together.
Everyone's a bit worried about me, so on Thursday lunch I put in a big effort and made a load of stupid jokes and everyone laughed and I could practically feel them thinking Sarah's back except that kinda pissed me off, because do they only want me when I'm happy and laughing? I've been thinking a lot recently.
I went to a party tonight, and it wasn't what I expected. Half way through I was really really annoyed and sad and low, and I wanted to go outside until I was frozen, but then it changed again, and there were other people, and I ended up having a really good time. Surprisingly, I didn't hang out with anyone my own age...I didn't feel like it. I spent my time with two women a little older than me, in their mid twenties, and with these kids who are all a good few years younger than me. I don't know why I wanted that kind of compay tonight...
Anyway. My mind is a bit weird. But that's okay, I think. Everything's pretty much okay, isn't it?
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2 comments:
*hugggs*
you know you call me if you're feeling low, yeah?
i don't think it's that people only want you when you're happy and laughing
you said that everyone's a bit worried about you. . . which shows they care
and then having you acting 'normal' must've been a relief, because they were worried
i find that when people seem like they just want you when you're happy it's more just because sadness confuses and scares people who care and they don't always know how to solve it and they want it solved because they want you to be happy, they care for your wellbeing
and i definitely care for your wellbeing, my lovely sarahkins :)
much much love
x
x
x
can*
megan is retard who can't type.
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