Somewhere ahead is the back of the line

Doyyeee I've got nothing to say to you kerazy chicks..and dudes. Not that dudes aren't crazy because they totally are, but they aren't really kerazy, probably because of the alliteration thing. Although now I come tot hink of it, "kerazy" and "chick" don't start with the same letter. I mean "kerazy" starts with a "k" and "chick" starts with a "c" so it's not really alliteration. It's a lie.

How shocking.

Lemmme see, what happened this week.

Well I got a 38/45 in my spanish listening test, and it was like, a practice paper, so the fact that I'm getting such high marks already is really good! I got a 33/40 in my French reading, also very good, I beat Nicola by like, 1 mark, which is good! Very good! Gooder than you know! I found out my predicted grade for PE is C...aww well, fuck that. You can't win 'em all! Well you can. But I can't. I suck at PE.
Anyway. Highlight of my week? Probably when I foudn out I got 73/75 altogether in my History Coursework. Joint highest in the year. Who rocks? *Silence* Any guesses? No one? No one has a clue who could possibly rock? Nah, me neither.

Gah, this week was all like "OMG YEARBOOK" and I was like "OMG I DON'T CARE" and the following happend.

1. I refused to get a yearbook picture taken
This lead to my friend getting all sulky.

2. I decided I would only get a yearbook picture taken if I could have a multicoloured lollypop infront of my face.
This lead to my friends being like, "Sarah..."

3. I got a boring picture taken, but editted it in photoshop so let's just say all the minor imperfections on the real thing? Not there.
What? I know I know, but my motto is, if you've got to be there, at least look good.

4. I refused to be in the class yearbook picture
This lead to me being frogmarched into the picture and FORCED to smile.

5. I refused to put my name down for the prom
This lead to my friends putting my name down WITHOUT ME KNOWING. Scandal

6. I found out that my friends put my name down and crossed it off.
This lead to the following conversation
Me: Why did you put my name down to go to the prom??
Friend: So you can go...
me: I'm not going to the prom...
friends: *in unison, like a choir* Yes you are
me: no I'm not. I'm going to stay at home and be a social outcast
friend: *avec pout* Sarah, you always do this whenever we do a whole class thing
me: Yes. because whole class things are lame
friend: *Gives me I-wish-you-would-just-grow-up-like-I-clearly-have face*
me: *stubborn face*

So I win! sort of. I'm not going to the prom. Not if they pull me kicking and screaming. I refused! I am a conciencous objector! I mean really, if the preps threw a party, would I go? No I would not! It is like..the biggest anticlimax of any girls life. What I didn't mention to my friends is that my mum said I could take some friends and have a day out, go bowling and to the cinema and eat out if I didn't want to go. Hehehe. Teehee. Ha ha hepetitis.

Gawd, there is this girl in my year called Denise, who is like...well she's debatable. Sometimes she can be cool, other times really not. She spends most of her time telling us about her boyfriends who are either.
1. using her for sex
2. UGLY
3. Using her for sex, oh wait I did that one. Uh.
3b. imaginary
So in English, there is me in the middle, writing, doing the "group" work that our lazy as a fisherman english teacher Mrs "Iamalightbulbwithchickenlegs" Parks sets for us, in an attempt to do as little as possible. Then I have Kat on one side, Denise on the other, talking about D's boyfriends. So I listened to her stories for a bit. This lesson it was about a guy who she'd been "in love with" the day before, and then it turned out that all of the "signs" which she thought meant he liked her, didn't actually, and he was a jerk. It was, dull. So after a bit, I went and talked to some actual cool people, although Denise is all like "oooh so scene." So we were chatting, and Denise actually has the ..stupidity, to ask me why I am not working. This lead to some mild swearing and unorthodox cursing, before giving her the Talk. No, not that one, the "DO NOT FUCK WITH ME" talk. Highly effective.

Funnily enough, when I went back to sit with her, she acted like nothing happend, and then wrote "Sarah rocks my sox" on my hand. How strange. She's odd, but cute. Like a puppy that keeps coming back to you. Yes. A self harming suicidal but not quite suicidal puppy.


Melissa still hasn't written back to me.
A couple of you seem to have forgotten I exist and not emailed me.

What the hell does "on a break" mean anyway?


Peach out!

Partay? Groan

Partying is all good and well, but not when you have to spend the next morning apologising to the neighbours for playing Mr Brightside so loud at 11Pm, nor is it fun to discover some pizza on one arm of the sofa. Infact, clearing up after a party, from taking the glitter gel off the floor, to removing the confetti from the chandelier, is all in all not very fun.
Partying on the other hand, is rather fun.

I'm very busy today, just taking a break from tidying up. I have to go to work at two, and am planning to have lunch before that. I'll be back by four, I have to do a maths paper, a biology poster, and a french sheet for homework. Then I want to do two units of spanish extra work, and revise for a spanish test on lost objects. After I've done all that I can relax with Anna Karenina and Dashboard Confessional.

Gawd, it's busy being a geek.

I'm thrilled by the amount of sleep I'm getting. Due to my early nights, last night I went to bed at half 11, but I was able to wake up this morning, completely rested at 9 which is shocking for me. I can stay in bed until 1 if my mum will let me.

Speaking of mums, mine is ploughing down the stairs, probably to yell at me. byee

Super Duper Fantastic Project!

Finally! My super project will be unveiled. It's a bit of an anti climax actually, but it took ages, and here it is!


Yeah...sorry about the whole not funnyness, I tried, I really did! It just didn't work out. Either way, I did try, so please comment!

Another soz boz

Very very very busy, stupid coursework and stuff, I really need to concentrate on a couple of things. I wont be able to update until probably next Saturday, but hopefully by then the super thing will be done, and I am working on it as we speak. Sort of. I'm having a party on Friday, so I'll take some picys and hopefully upload them..

Having fun listening to old but cool musack.

Finished 1984, plan to read Lolita tomozzy mozzy. Hopefully I can update some of my fics next weekend
byee
xxx

SOZBOZ

So busy. So busy so busy. Thank goodness I'm not still on ue. SO BUSY.

Drowning in work, I'm sorry that I can't update properly and I can't unveil the marvalous project that I have been working on I tell you, but I've been so busy that I haven't managed to finish it..I'm going to go to bed now and try and read 1984 (tough book) and tomorrow I have to go out.

I'm having a slight dilema about choosing a 6th form. I can choose to stay at my own school, or I can go to a private school which is better with smaller classes, not to mention I could get a russian GCSE on the side. The only problem is, I need As or A*s in my subject A Level choices, I need generally As and A*s in all my other subjects, I need to do an exam on my knowlege of my A Level choices plus maths and english and I need to interview well, and I need to pay £6000 a term to go to the private one. There's not really any point in being worried about it now. If I don't get in then all of the worrying will have been in vain. I'm just sort of trying to keep up with my work.

Tomorrow I'm going to an adult party, I've got some bubbles that don't burst, and I am going to take them which will be teh cool. I've done quite a bit, and everything is going good, but I'm a bit stressed and I can't really write it all down here.

Internet cravings are getting lower.

xxxxxxxx

Not Dead, just sleeping

Current Projects
1. Comic
2. Fic
3. Biology project
4. Pen palling
5. 1984
6. A big project you guys are going to love

What with all this to do, I shan't be updating until Saturday, but it'll be worth waiting for, I'll unveil project number 6! Be there or be a pear. Anyway, got to go, post 16 evening at my school, oh the joy.

The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret

Silly blogspot, it’s not working,s o I’m typing this in word, and I’ll upload it later with any luck!

Once again, I’m not on ue, or on msn, but I’m a bit annoyed because Blogger isn’t working, which means I cannot update! And I know everyone, including me, was eagerly awaiting my update!

Today, when I got up, I felt crap, through lack of sleep, and I also felt a little sick, so when my mum suggested I stay at home I obviously wasn’t too bothered. I went to bed, and woke up two hours later feeling wonderful. I had a nice long shower and generally felt good.

My holiday brochure arrived! I love holiday brochures; I love looking at all the places! It’s so fun! You can pretend you are lying on a beach in the Mediterranean instead of being in England, it’s a wonderful feeling. I also like cutting out the pictures and sticking them onto other things, it’s just a cheery sort of activity I enjoy.

I managed to do a large amount of homework, so I’m pretty proud of myself. I’m fed up of silly Blogger, so I’m going to do something better and I’ll update tomorrow, with my wonderful creation.

TTFN.

LATER.

Yes, this is the future, how completely shocking. It is a new and slightly scary place.

OMG, the phone has not stopped ringing today, I'm going slightly mad! It just wont stop, and everytime I end up answering and every time it's not for me. Le sigh.

I spoke to my brother last night and we decided that this weekend we might go shopping for cheap videos, which is great, and will get me out of the house. I'm having a good time today really. Look at what I've done.

1. Biology Revision
2. One Picture
3. One project
4. One comic
5. Adam's fic
6. A bit of the next chapter of my Lily/ Snape

I was particularly pleased with Adam's fic, I wrote it for this competition thing he set, and it was only a short piece. The link is here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2746029/1/
It took two days for me to write, and it has no plot, and is exceedingly short. So much so that after I wrote it I felt as though I probably shouldn't have posted it, and thought it was horribly inadequte, but my lovely readers, not only my ue friends who I normally force to read things, but a few loffly people off ff.net actually reviewd it saying they liked it which really made my day. I was pleased with it as a piece of writing, but I didn't think anyone else would particularly appreciate it.

For those of you curious about my comic, I'm moving it to keenspace, so it takes a while, it might be two weeks, believe me, it's not my fault, blame keenspace! But I see this as a good thing, I mean it gives me time to get a good amount of comics done, but not posted, so that I can update reguarly. I shall post the link here once it's all up and running, and it's going to be good! Barbie will be making several guest appearances.

Soem of you might know that I like cutting magazines up, infact I thin I mentioned it above. Well today I cut some of the Style magazine I get free with the Sunday times up, and then stuck it down, sort of, and made quite a nice picture, but I don't think it'd appeal to my readers, so I shan't post it here. Suffice to say it was rather good, and a good use of my time :)

Oooh my project. Well I'm sure you've seen my puppets by now, so get ready for this. Tada! *points to picture below*

Now I know, alot of you are sitting there going, WTF? I assure you in real life it's more obvious what it is. The words on the top, yes they are words, say "The Puppet Show" and there are curtains on either side. In the middle is a picture, mainly compiled of magazine cuttouts, actually, it's from a James Villa brochure that I ordered, and then stuck down. It's a beach scenery. Below that, you have all my of my puppets so far lined up, and you might just be able to see far left Joanna and far left Yasamin. Obviously if I was using the puppets, only two or three of them could appear on "stage" at the same time, as there just isn't enough room for them. The background with the beach scene is easily removable, but as of yet, I don't have any other backgrounds, so all you'd have is cardboard..I'm planning on making a forest one :) The idea being you lean the back ground against the wall, and then put on the floor a piece of paper, on which you draw a very rough picture. For this, it would be the beach, mainly sand, a bit of sea, and draw some people on. You then use your puppets there! It sounds awful, but it's really not! I'll explain in detail another time.

So! That's how I spent most of today! The next chapter of my Lily/Snape is coming along nicely, but anyone who reads my writing religiously might have noticed that it's become a lot more descriptive, and I like to think it's gotten better. This means it takes far longer to write chapters than it used to, as I'm actually putting more emotion and thought into what I write, unlike my blog whereI just write any old crap. I'd particularly like to thank Megz for always reviewing, she's a sweetie. And Laura..hallo.

Hope you are all well

xxxxxxxLoveyoutothemoonxxxxxxxxxx

I'm missing msn, the temptation to sign in offline is very strong.

Day 1

Well hidey ho there. Check it out. I'm not on msn. I'm not on ue. I've done most of my homework. I am writing my blog.

Totally cool.

Anyway, yesterday wasn't very easy. I mean as soon as I logged off, I was like, what the hell did I just do? And I wanted to check the thread to see how ue had reacted so much! I was really really desperate. But I didn't, I turned off the computer and went to bed. All night I wanted to get up and check, but I didn't. How cool am I?

Today I had to go to the sports centre before school, trail all the way there and then all the way back. It's so sleepyfiying. Consequently I didn't pay attention in Spanish and Maths ( We did a practice paper, bleurg) and then chemistry. Urg, I feel like there is this load of information I have to somehow process into my mind, and it's too big, and I'm trying to squash it in, but when I get one corner it, the other corner pops right out and I need to start over. It's almost impossible to grasp certain concepts.

My homework is really piling up. As I didn't do anything this weekend, I have to do it now, I have done biology, and maths, because pooey mrs Davis said that I had to finish the exercise, even though I totally cannot do the whole thing, so there isn't any point anyway. I just don't get it, nor am I motivated enough to actually do it. I've just about done my spanish, and I have to do history, also for tomorrow. I should be doing it now actually. Grah. Well I suppose I speak for teenagers everywhere when I say it can wait till later.

I'm writing this blog entry super fast, so I can keep all my lovely friends updated with my life, and still have time to live it.

Yesterday, while I was sitting around feeling depressed about leaving the internet, my friend came round. Her name is Maryam, and she's french, she's super cool, and as our parents are friends they sometimes pop round. So I had just finished making these lovely puppets that you can see below. Yes, I'm a little crazy. So I printed off some pictures from ue, cut them out and stuck them on to these pieces of card. They are the coolest! If you wish to be added to the collection, just link me to a picture of you, with a good headshot in your comment.
Maryam and I actually had a good play around with them. Laura and Erin went to the beach and hung out, Laura is an alcoholic and broke the Tardis, Erin stepped on several people. I shall probably post the rules of that game once I realise what they really are, then everyone can play it. I predict it will be the thing everyone is doing. All the crazy people at least.

I'm a little tired, but I had a nap after school so I'm all weird. I also have the hiccups. *hiccups* Scandalous.

4 tasks I have set myself tonight.
1. Do Biology, maths, history homework
2. Answer Emails
3. Update blog
4. Start on Adam's fic.

I've the middle two now, but I need to do history!!! And Also, I have made no headway on the fic.

P.S. Love you all. Wish I was on msn right now. Please comment!

GTG Get Education, BBL

Said my brother as he went off to university again.


I'm so nervous. Here we go.

Budding Young Writer: Scribbling in Bathroom!

After about fifteen minutes at school, the enthusiasm of going back for a new term wears off and you realise you have another 14 weeks until the summer. That's 70 days. That's alot.

Here goes

So I guess I owe you all a big explaination. Anyone who comes here no doubt has gone on ue, or checked their emails and knows that I've left the internet for now, burnt all my bridges and even given up my moderating job. Boy that was hard.

Except obviously I haven't done any of that yet. See I've been planning this for a while now. How would I have been able to write and send all of the emails in time? How would I have been able to write my going away speech on ue, and how would I have been able to write this, all on one day? I couldn't of course. Today, it's the 30th of December, and I'm speaking to a couple of people on msn and no one has a clue that in a few days I'm just going to put a flame to my entire internet life. Well that's a lie, I think Freshie knows and Rob suspects something is up, but no one else.

I'm so terrified.

I've spent what, two years? Building up this persona, working my way up on ue, getting friends, trying to help people, but the internet has sort of consumed my life.

Recently, you might have noticed I've been down. It's been a few months actually, maybe three. I've been sort of depressed. I've been crying alot, and some of my phobias have gotten worse. The fact of the matter is retreating into the computer hasn't been helping me at all. My life has been feeling really useless and I've been unsatisfied. Worse still I hate lying to you all the time when you ask how I am. A couple of times I've been honest, but even then you probably haven't known just how rubbish I've felt.

Anyway, I haven't been living, I've been doing nothing except for using the computer. I'm always getting in trouble with my mum and arguing with my brother because of something that's happend online.

A couple of my friends suggested I get out more, which I did, but I didn't really enjoy it because my life, my friends were on the internet. It was so pathetic, is so pathetic. I get so upset when anyone has friends over to goes out, and they leave me behind. TEW said she was going to be lonely at new years so I volunteered to stay up and talk to her. Later she said she had a friend coming over and I needn't. This tiny stupid thing upset me. The fact of the matter is, the internet didn't need me as much as I needed it.

So I am going to send out several emails, saying goodbye to particular people, I hope I don't leave anyone out. I'm going to take a step back, out of the internet and try to make things better. If I fail, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused.

I'm going to be keeping up my blog, and my fictions, and my comic. All information about them will be posted here. If you don't hate me, and do read my blog, please comment on it. I will be answering my emails.

My feelings right now? Well, I am this close to backing out, if it weren't for the fact that everyone knows, I would. I've burnt all my bridges. There's nothing pulling me back.

Showtime.

So quiet, another wasted night, television steals the conversation

Exhale. Another wasted breath again it goes unnoticed.

So I've got lots of thoughts. I'm thinking of making a box, so that when I'm bored or when the cravings get too much I can look inside the box. I'll put loads of things in it, like jigsaws, and colouring books and yoyos. I need to learn how to knit. I might just, the possibilities are endless.

I like that idea, a little box, filled to the top with toys. Childrens toys I suppose but I'm not a child? Like a children's toychest. It'll be secret, mine, but I'll use it all the time. I'll be quiet all on my own but quiet and maybe happy.

I have so many plans! I might keep my room clean, I might write letters to strangers, I might get a pen friend. I could do anything. I plan to culivate pleasures of easily gained expiriences, like sucking on sherbet lemons and blowing soap bubbles. I'll watch the stars from the roof tops and wait while my eyes adjust to the dark.

There's so much to do..so many worlds I haven't explored yet. I'm worried that I wont be able to use my time effectively! What if I run out?

Most importantly, I'll be able to get back to the real world. My real friends, I mean I've been neglecting them really badly recently because I've just..oh I don't know. I suppose I've been in a bad mod because Iv'e been having lots of problems and things on my mind, but most of the time when you think about it, my problems are all self inflicted.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to go back, to be with my friends from school and live a proper life, but even if I don't want to socialise, I can still be happier away than I am here.

I occasionally forget why I'm doing this. I'm holding onto the thought that everything will get better. I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't.

13 days remaining.

Preparations

I'm still not sure I've made the right choice, but sometimes I wish it was the 12th and I could just get it over with. It seems so drastic. I don't want to back out now.

I'm aware I'm being stupidly vague. I don't want anyone to guess. Because it wont work if they guess. I think. I'm not sure.

I'm just babbling. People around me are so happy. I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I'm ugly and scrawny and a coward.

It's funny how I have this whole thing planned. The whole everyone ignores me thing works, no one guesses. Well maybe one person, but apart from that, out of all of my friends, you would think at least a few more people would have. But they haven't.

I should have started preparing. I need to write emails and plan a speech but I can't bring myself to do it.

I'm having a bit of a rough patch right now, lots of things are bothering me.Most are caused my the internet.

Everything will get better soon.

Deep Thinking

Well, I've been doing thinking. For a while now. Lots of thinking. It feels like lots of things have happend and I don't know which ones to trust.

I do know that things are going to change. I think. If I can. If I'm brave enough..

January 12th is the date I've set. The thing is, I don't know if I should, and I don't know if the reason I think I shouldn't is because I'm afraid. This is true. I don't want to fail. I want to be remembered.

January 12th, seems too close. But also too far. I need to make the preparations. I'm making the most of it while I can.

Sometimes

I often look around at my friends at school and think, they came in as scrawny little girls, and now they've become pretty young ladies. What the hell happend to me.



No one reads this blog. No one cares what I have to say. Not even the people that say they care about me.

Funny Thing

www.saraklaus.blogspot.com

Check it out.

Happy Midwinter from Sarah Claus

Do you know, my name is Sarah. And Santa Claus' first name is Santa. The first two letters of both of our first names are not only shockingly simillar, they are the same.

You realise, that this means you can substitute the Santa in Santa Claus, to Sarah? Therefore making a new, more special Santa Claus?

I give you Sarah Claus.

I'm like the anti-santa. I mean, I' ve made up this whole thing. I have a list of hardened criminals that I keep in my pocket. Every midwinter, I visit the criminals who have been particularly bad, and I steal their books. Yes, you read it correctly, I steal their books. And then, if they've been stealing candy from young children, perhaps babies, I pull out their hair. They wake up all like "omgwtf where is my hair?" and I am of course long gone, flying away on my ..I don't know, dogs from hell? What are they called? Huskys! Yes, that's it, huskys. I fly away on my huskys.

And why don't they wake up when I pull out their hair I hear you ask? Well, you don't wake up, when I pull out your hair, do you? And don't say you do, because if you did, then I wouldn't be able to return every other night, except wednesday because I have bingo on wednesday, and pull out some more of your hair that I add to my extensive hair collection.

And then I make a hat. Yes, Sarah Claus has a hat, made of hair. She wears this hat made of hair, and a bit trench coat, a pink trench coat. And I don't drink cocacola, I drink Dr Pepper. Take that St Nick.

Anyway, every one looooooves Santa Claus, right? Well everyone will love Sarah Claus to, but only love her, because they know that if they don't, she'sll steal all of your books, whether or not you are a hardened criminal.

What do she do with the books? Well, that's a very good question. She builds herself a magnificent fortress in the desert. You heard me. No stupid northpole crap, she lives in the desert. Damn straight she does. She lives in a fortress made of books. And when she's bored, she picks up a book and reads it! But the whole fortress doesn't fall down or anything, because it's like, when you pull a table cloth out from under lots of plates and stuff. Yes, she's that good.

And you know how Santa has all those elves to help him out with shit? Well Sarah Claus has loads of Dwarves to help her out. They don't wear stupid dresses either, they wear...robes, like in Harry Potter. Yes. Just like that.

Anyway, yes Sarah Claus is very busy all year around. Because she is planning on who to take books from, which books to take, and so on. The dwarves help her, by preparing big sacks for her to put all the books in, so that they don't like, split or something, because that would be a bummer.

Yessir it would


Next week, Cyber Punk Sarah.

Writing

Don't you hate it when you want to write something, but you don't know what? You feel like creating something, putting words into an experience, you want to make something beautiful, and you can't. There's no plot, no idea, only an urge, a desire to make something exist.

That happens to me alot. I'll be sitting in English, doodling on a spare piece of paper, and I want to write something. Sometimes there will be a small idea attached, sometimes there isn't one. Sometiems I just write anything that comes into my head, like a desciption of the room, of my self. Sometimes I write feelings, sometimes I write to myself. I don't like to waste it, the eagerness to write, I feel that if I don't somehow trap it and use it to my advantage it'll fly away, like so many times before. But I also don't want to write for nothing. Is there any point in writing a paragraph that no one will read? That has no storyline, is simply words on a page? It exists for itself and me, and is beautiful on it's own. But it doesn't finish, it's incomplete, and there is no desire within me to complete it anyway. Later on, I'll look back on it and wish I could gather the inspiration and motivation to continue it, but motivation is like happiness. When you want it you can't get it and it often crops up when you can't make any use of it.

I wonder if it is a waste, and what I ought to do with it. What would someone else in my place do when they are suddenly hit by an urge to write? Some people would write it anyway, some people would put it into whatever project that they put on hiatus months ago. I normally just ignore it. Is this is waste? The problem with writing is it's addictive.

Say that I am in school and suddenly feel like writing something, and so I do. What do I get from that lesson? I don't learn anything. But I do write something. That would be great if the writing went anywhere, if I gained from it, but I don't. When I get the writing bug it sometimes lasts for a day, sometimes for a month, but it leaves eventually. True, you can write for a while after wards, just simply going on in the hope that you can continue until it's finished, but that rarely happens. After that, it's only a matter of time before my writing dries up and turns into something I'll shove at the back of my wardrobe and leave there, hoping that I shall one day return to it. To my dismay, when I do revisit it, I find myself disgusted with the quality of my writing. Where is the description? The setting? Why is the plot line so unoriginal, where is the twists and turns that keep me hooked. It's as though someone else has written it and I hate it with a passion.

It's not always possible to write. I need precise situations which only goes to prove that I am not really a writer. Writers, I'm sure, can write whenever they want. I can't write when I have people around me. I find it difficult, to write when my brother is sitting behind me. Writing is pouring out your feelings and emotions and thoughts and quirks on to a page, it's as revealing as taking off you clothes, and I can't do it. I have no problem with showing people the finished work, but my ameteur projects? It's far too embarrasing. I can't write if I can't concentrate, I can't write when I'm listening to music. Sometimes I can only type my story straight up, sometimes I only want to scribble it down on paper. Sometimes I constanly get distracted and there's always some way for me to not write. Maybe it's making excuses, because I hate to fail again. When you are writing you get your hopes up, you start dreaming about getting published. It's not true, it never happens. Writing is one thing, finishing a project a whole new concept and getting published is not as easy as it's made out.

There are thousands of other things that you can say or do instead of writing and failling. The failing is what hurts the most. Everytime I see a story crash and burn I resolve to not start another one until I'm sure I can finish it. Each time I don't manage.

Right now, I have three projects on hiatus. Although I haven't officially stopped any of them, and I do plan to finish them, I doubt that I will end up finishing them. I've seen my friends around me somehow manage to stick with one firm story line for years, while I flit through several, developing on one here, rewriting an opening here, and inevitably not accomplishing anything.

Sometimes, it seems that the easiest thing to do is what everyone else does.

The things I do..

Feel proud of me, all of you that have spent countless msn conversations trying to persuade me to enter the real world. Feel less useless, those of you who wanted to fight my demons for me without realising quite what they are. Feel relieved, those of you who were afraid I would spend the rest of my life in front of the computer...not that anything is certain.

Yesterday, my friend mentioned to me that maybe we should go ice skating, as they have put an ice rink in the centre of town. I was a bit apprehensive, as that would mean going into town, so as usual I said nothing definite. But that's nothing new. I was somewhat surprised that my friends were still asking me to go places with them, and not just supposing that I would automatically say "I have some homework," or "I'm not feeling so good this week, maybe another time." But they seem to still have some faith, or maybe they are just not very observant. Either way, I was all set to forget about it, when my mom mention it in the car. I was mega surprised, my mother, actually trying to persuade me to go outside? It's something of a foreign concept to me. But she did, and she sort of said I should go, in a sort of, "I-suppose-if-you-really-want-to-go-and-you're-with-a-group-of-friends-and-I-don't-have-to-do-anything, way. Which is a more enthusicastic way than normal. I assured her that I didn't really want to go, and I'd prefer to stay at home, but shockingly, she seemed to want me to go.

I felt like saying "Who the hell are you and where did you put my mother?" but I didn't think she'd appreciate this kind of humour. Instead I just played it down and smiled at her.

So it looks like I might go..my friends called again and say we should go tomorrow. I'm a little worried. I mean it's going ot be the centre of Birmingham and if anyone knows even the slightest thing about me, they're likely to know that the centre of Birmingham is not on my list of places to be. Infact I recall that it's high on my list of places that I would really rather not visit unless there is no other choice because I don't like being there at all and just thinking about it make me nauseous. I'm not going to go into the whole why I don't like it, or what scares me about it so much, because I doubt anyone wants to read that, nor am I willing to divulge that information even if they did. Somethings are personal.

I was still a bit iffy, but I mentioned it to Jo, and she sort of wanted me to go. Well, "sort of wanted me to go," is a little bit of an understatement. She did say that if I went it could be considered a Christmas present for her. This sort of thing pushed me over the edge. I haven't been able to think of anything to get her for absolutely ages, and so I thought, if she really wants me to go, maybe I should.

The point is, I do alot of things for my friends. If I know that they really need something I'll give it to them, if I know they really want something, I'll get it for them. I might be violatile, and dishonest, but I try to do what's best. My online friends make this difficult. What can you do for someone across the internet? It's a bit difficult, especially when it comes to things like their birthdays or christmas. I've been through everything, from writing poems and drawing pictures to simply saying "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" on the mic. But I know, that whatever I get them, yes it shows that I care, but do they really want it? Is it of any value to them? No. I don't think so. And I never like giving gifts if they aren't going to be used. What on earth is the point of thos bath salts I get from my birthday, when I don't have a bath? Why do people insist on giving me point romances, because they know I like books. Sometimes an unwanted gift is worse than no gift at all, what's the point of giving unless it's something worthwhile. You might as well just give someone a hug to show you care if you want to take the "it's-the-thought-that-counts" point of view.

So, if going skating will really make Jozina happy, then I suppose I'll do it. And not just for her, alot of people might be happy to hear I'm going out of the house, even if it's just once in the entire holiday. It's a start I suppose.


P.S. Who is it that keeps commenting? I don't mind, heck, it's fun to see that someone's reading, but there is a fine line between stalking and appreciating, and leaving your name makes it just a little clearer. If you don't leave your name, I suppose you do get to be all mysterious like Xena, Warrior Princess. Unless of course her real name was Xena. But I doubt that. Why the heck would anyone call their daughter Xena?

Blink and You'll Miss It

So yesterday when I was on webcam with Dillie, she said that I looked older. Now I do a very good impression of a six year old, I must say. I kid, I kid. I look about 14. And I'm nearly 16, so really, I look alot younger than I really am, but she said that I was getting older.

So being me, I spent a bit of time staring at myself in the mirror, and you know what I realised? I am getting older. I'm growing out of my baby face, and I'm loosing the whole roundness thing. Sometimes I even look 16!

The thing that's a bit weird, is that until she mentioned it to me I didn't even consider the fact that I might be finally growing out of my childlish looks. I suppose I've just gotten use to it, because it's been like this for so long. I mean, I haven't changed since..well since I was about 11. That's a long time to stay the same. So when Madeline mentioned it yesterday, I took it for granted that she was kidding. Then I went upstairs and had a look in the mirror. It's true. My face is changing, it's gone more heart shaped than circular, and my nose is sort of...straighter. Inface, I look like one day I might just be an adult.

This is a difficult thing to get my mind around. Especially because I quite like the changes. I am torn between longing to stay a child, curiosity to see what I end up looking like, and a painful desire to pause time.

All this is futile of course, as I have no control over how I end up looking, and time will go on inevitably. I wonder when I'll peak, when I'll look my best. I wonder if I want to know. If I don't maybe I can pretend that I am still growing, and that all growing girls get wrinkles. I doubt this very much. I supose I shouldn't be worrying about that sort of thing. I should be worrying about exams. What's the point really though? It's not like it'll help to worry, unless I actually revise because I get so worried, and that is unlikely is it not?

It still irks me, that I'm changing and that not only did I not notice it, but there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know the rules of this odd game, when will I stop? How will I know what the finished product is? What if I suddenly look in the mirror and see someone else?

I don't suppose it's my job. Someone else can do it.